M Y T H Inc in Action - Robert Asprin, ebook
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M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION?What am I doing here??ANY RECRUIT, ANY ARMY ?NAME??Now, in those circles within whose company I am accustomed to travelin?, it isconsidered impolite to ask questions in general . . . and that question inspecific. Unfortunately, I was currently well outside those circles, and as suchfelt compelled to answer the inquiry, however rude. ?Guido.??Home address???The Bazaar at Deva.??What???The Bazaar at ... Oh! Uh . . . just say . . .?varies.??The joker what was takin? down this informationgives me a hard look before continuing with his questions. I give him my bestinnocent look back, which as any jury can tell you is most convincing thoughdeep down inside I am more than a little annoyed with myself. Bein? a smarterthan average individual, I should have recalled that even though my travelsand adventures with the Boss have accustomed me to other dimensions, tomost folks here on Klah such places as the Bazaar at Deva are unheard of,and therefore suspicious. As I am makin? a specific effort to be inconspicuous,this is not the wisest answer to have given. ?Height and weight??This question makes me feel a bit better, as it serves to remind me thatwhatever I say or do, I will never be totally inconspicuous. You see, I am whatis politely referred to as ?a large person? . . . or less politely as ?a knuckle-dragging monster.? While this is of invaluable assistance considerin? mychosen profession, it does, however, make it difficult to blend with any givencrowd. In fact, I would be the largest person in the line if it were not for Nunziowho is maybe an inch shorter, but a bit bulkier. I can see the guy with thequestions has noticed this all by himself, since he keeps glancin? back andforth between the two of us as he jots down my responses.?Next of kin???I guess that would be Nunzio, here,? I sez, jerkin? a thumb at my colleague.?You two are related???He?s my cousin.??Oh.?For a second I think he?s about to say somethin? more, but then he justshrugs and scribbles a little more on his pad.?Do you have a criminal record???Beg pardon???A criminal record. Have you ever been arrested???No convictions.?That earns me another hard look.?I didn?t ask about convictions. I asked if you?ve ever been arrested.??Well . . . yeah. Hasn?t everybody???What for???Which time???How many times have you been arrested?? ?Oh, three . . . maybe four dozentimes . . . but no convictions.?The joker has his eyebrows up now.?You?ve been arrested nearly fifty times with no convictions???No witnesses,? I say, showin? him my teeth. ?I see,? the guy sez, lookin? alittle nervous, which is one of the customary side effects of my smiles. ?Well . .. lefs try it this way ... are you currently wanted by the authorities?? ?No.??Good . . . good,? he nods, fillin? in that blank on the form in front of him.?Okay . . . one final question. Do you know of any reason why you should notbe allowed to enlist in the army of Possiltum??In the actualities of the siruational, I knew of several reasons not to enlist . . .startin? with the fact that I didn?t want to and endin? with the godawful wardrobethat I would be forced to wear as a soldier-type.?Naw.??Very well/? he sez, pushin? the form across the table at me. ?Just sign ormake your mark here, please.??Is that all?? I ask, scribblin? mv name in the indicated spot.?Is that all, sergeant,? the joker smiles, pickin? up the paper and blowin? on thesignature. Another reason for not joinin? the army occurs to me.?Is that all, sergeant?? I sez, bein? careful not to let my annoyance show.?No. Go to the next tent now and you?ll be issued a uniform. Then report backhere and you?ll be assigned to a group for your training.? ?Training??This is indeed somethin? what had never occurred to me or Nunzio, and couldput a serious crimp in our projected timetable. I mean, how much trainin? doesit take to kill people? ?That?s right . . . training,? the sergeant sez with a tight-lipped smile.?There?s more to being a soldier than wearing a uniform, you know.?Bein? a survival oriented individual, I refrain from speculatin? out loud as towhat this might entail. Fortunately, the sergeant does not seem to expect ananswer or additional comment. Rather, he waves me out the door as he turnshis attention to the next unfortunate.?Name???Nunzio.?Now, those of youse what have been followin? dese books all along may bewonderin? just why it is that Nunzio and me is signin? onto Possiltum?s armyinstead of performin? our normal duties of bodyguardin? the Boss . . . who youprobably think of as the Great Skeeve, as you is not employed by him andtherefore have no reason to think of him as the Boss.This confusion is understandable, as this book is happenin? right after thebook before the last one, (M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link) . . . and at the same time as theone before this (Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections). Add to that the fact thatthis is one of the M.Y.T.H. Inc. volumes, and is therefore bein? told from myviewpoint instead of the Boss?s, and it becomes clear why your eyes isperhaps crossed at this point in the narrative. The only consolin? I can offeryouse, is that if youse think my life whilst workin? for the Boss is confusin? toread, youse should try livin? it for a month or five!Actually, to be totally honest with youse, dis book is not startin? where I wasthe last time you saw me, so let me refer youse back to the meetin? whichstarted us on this particular chain of events . . .Chapter One:?What do you meanmy characters talk funny??D. RUNYONIT is INDEED a privilege to be included in a war-type council, regardless ofwhat war it is or who in specific is also attendin?. Only the very elite areinvolved, which is to say those who will be furthest from the actual fightin?, assuch gatherin?s are usually concerned with which portions of one?s forces areexpendable, and exactly how and when they are to be expended. Since it isdemoralizin? for those who are to be dropped into the meat grinder to knowthey have been chosen as ?designated receivers,? they are logically excludedfrom the proceeding, seein? as how if they are made aware of their roles inadvance, they are apt to take it on the lam rather than dutifully expiring onschedule, thereby botchin? up many hours of plannin? on both sides of thedispute in question.From this, it is easy to see that attendin? these borin? but necessary plannin?sessions is not only an honor, it greatly improves one?s chances of bein? aliveat the end of the fracas. To get killed in a battle one has had a hand in settin?the strategies for is an indication that one?s plannin? abilities are sorely lackin?and will count heavily against youse when bein? considered for futureengagements. In this particular circumstantial, however, it was no specialhonor to be included in the plannin? session, as our entire force consisted of amere five personages ... six if you count the Boss?s dragon. Needless to say,none of us was inclined to think of ourselves as fallin? into the ?expendable?category. Realizin?, however, that we was supposed to be trying to stop arenegade queen with a sizable mob of army-types at her disposal, one wasnot inclined to make book on our chances for survival . . . unless, of course,one was offered irresistible odds and maybe a decent point spread.While there wasn?t all that many of us, I, for one, had no complaints with thequality of our troops.Tananda and Chumley are a sister and brother, Trollop and Troll team. Whilethey are some of the nicest people it has ever been my pleasure to encounter,either of them is also as capable as any five knee-breakers ever employed bythe Mob if they find it necessary to be unpleasant. In the Boss?s absence, theyhave taken it on themselves to 9 be the leaders of our expedition ... anarrangement which suits me fine.You see, my cousin Nunzio and me is far more comfortable takin? orders thangivin? them. This is a habit we have acquired workin? for the Mob, where theless you know about why an order is bein? givin?, the better off you are ...particularly if at a later point you should be called upon to explain your actionsunder oath. (For those of youse who have failed to read about our activities inthe earlier books in this series and are therefore ignorant as to our identitiesand modus operandi, our job description refers to us as ?collection specialists?. . . which is a polite way of sayin? we?re kneecappers.)The fifth member of our little strike force is Massha . . . and if that name aloneis not sufficient to summon forth an identifyin? image in your mind, then it isobvious you have not yet met this particular individual in the flesh. You see,Massha has a singularly unique appearance which is unlikely to be mistakenfor anyone else, though she might, perhaps, be mistaken for some-thing else .. . like maybe a dinosaurous if said saurous was bein? used as a travelin?display for a make-up and jewelry trade show. What I am tryin? to say is thatMassha is both very big and very colorful, but in the interest of brevity I willspare you the analogous type comparisons. What is important is that as bigand as tough as she is, Massha has a heart even bigger than her dress size.We had been holdin? the start of our meetin?until she got back from droppin?the Boss off on Perv, which she had just done, so now we are ready tocommence the proceedin?s. ?So you?re tellin? me you think King...
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